Heaven – God the Almighty has seen the box office successes of movies like Logan and the hype around upcoming flicks such as Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2 and is reported to be courting Hollywood executives to get His own multi-movie, multi-billion dollar deal.
The problem is that while the LORD is conducting a full court press wooing decision makers, no one is biting.
God is flabbergasted.
“I have everything Hollywood is looking for: one, name recognition; two, a fanatical fan base; three, a best-selling book based on ME,” an obviously frustrated deity stated.
Not one executive wanted to officially go on record. However, many were willing to talk anonymously about the hurdles making a superhero movie based on the God of the Bible.
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Here are what three high-level professionals in the movie business had to say.
Jesus is where the money is at. People will throw cash at his story even though they’ve heard it a million times. Why would I want to risk investing on his Dad?
I liked his screenplay, but didn’t love it. That means ‘fuck you’ in business-speak out here.
Look, I get it. He fights Leviathan and then what? We show him sick one of His underlings to torture Good-guy Job for pleasure? If I had the guts I’d hire God to be a supervillain. God fights the Hulk, maybe Thor? Now that I’m thinking about it God is the perfect mentally unstable villain to fight Batman.
God has heard all the rumors about why there is no interest in his project that has the tentative title Millions of Dead Egyptian Male Babies Can’t Be Wrong. Showing that He is cool with the cinematic sensibilities of the 21st-century marketplace, He has reached out to Jesus to team up in a movie venture.
Jesus hasn’t returned any of His phone calls.
Or increasingly angry comments on Jesus’ Instagram pics.
An old business friend who had a relationship with God that went sour attempted to counsel the LORD.
“I told Him that the reason people like Him is that they don’t read the Bible,” Lucifer stated. “The worst thing for the God brand is for people to see a movie with Him as the main character and then start poking around the Old Testament. For Christ sakes, has the guy even considered what that would mean for His kid’s career?”
God didn’t take the advice and has sent goodie bags filled with frankincense, myrrh, and some heavenly swag (the price of gold has gone up since the old days) to those who have the power to green light His silver screen aspirations.
One anonymous studio head reluctantly is considering putting God in a movie with Color Kid from the Legion of Substitute Heroes.
No final decision on the project is expected anytime soon.
*I just saw Logan last night. It’s the best of the Wolverine movies (that may not say much). That being said, they aren’t splitting the atom. The plot was very formulaic. The three main characters are what makes this movie shine. Seeing Patrick Stewart on the big screen is always a pleasure.
You can reserve Logan on Amazon.
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God The Father Seeks To Star In A Superhero Movie by: Greezoo published: